By Arkham Gazette staff
This weekend President Trump defended his office’s controversial use of the Necronomicon to summon Cthulhu, a cosmic entity whose cruel indifference is outmatched only by his indifferent cruelty, in a fiery tweetstorm, as well as a Fox and Friends interview Saturday and prayer breakfast on Sunday. Critics say the High Priest of the Great Old Ones, who rose with his previously-sunken city R’lyeh on Thursday, poses an existential threat to all of humanity, but the president downplayed those fears.
“Cthulhu’s going to be the best thing for the country, and the world, believe me,” he told the Westboro Baptist Church’s June Prayer Breakfast Symposium on Sunday. “Better than Hillary Clinton, you better believe it.”
“CTHULHU IS STRONG,” a Saturday tweet read. “His followers have waited for his return for 1000’s of years—wish Congress was that loyal!”
Seconds later, he tweeted, “Why have car and not drive? We had Necronomicon, beautiful strong weapon, but other pres’s to weak to use. Sad! I am not week! (sic)”
And moments later: “He’s down there, he’s sleeping away forever, wouldn’t you want to be woken up? Maybe he didn’t want to miss all the big things we’re doing for America!”
“Democrat collusion with Cthulhu but now want to blame us with phony witch hunt—bad for cosmos!”
Since Cthulhu’s return from the dark depths of the ocean, millions of people have either died or gone missing, presumably eaten or slowly tortured either to death or for eternity.
“How do we know who he chooses to eat?” the President said at the prayer breakfast. “You know, I know of another little guy who picks and chooses people, without us knowing why—though, I mean if you look at some of these, I have lots of people telling me, sending me news stories, these people, ‘Oh, these poor people,’ you know they’re not nearly as good as everyone says, the stories you see about them, they’re rapists, they’re jay-walkers, so sad—and so he picks people to eat, and people he doesn’t eat, and I tell you, there’s another guy who does that, and his name is—you know it, the big man—God and Jesus Christ Amen, though they’ll have you saying a-women soon, you watch.
“I mean, you wanna talk about faith?” the President continued. “Come on. They say you gotta have faith, and then they say, but then they say, oh but now it’s a bad thing. Now they lock you up if you say ‘Merry Christmas.’ Not anymore. That’s all changed because of, come on, this guy, you know.” The President then pointed at himself.
Dr. Howard Phillips, professor at Miskatonic University, cautioned that the Dread Lord’s re-emergence could lead to apocalyptic consequences.
“And we tiny creatures were perspiring over climate change,” Dr. Phillips told the Gazette. “Don’t get me wrong, the climate will most certainly change—to suit [Cthulhu’s] needs—but that is the least of our concerns. His hideous visage will drive men mad with eldritch visions and unnameable terrors the world over. Bad call, Pres.”
“These people—we all know these types who hate Cthulhu,” Trump said at the prayer breakfast. He then affected a nasal voice and held his arms up, hands hanging limp. “‘Uh, ahem, the square root of four is…’ Come on. Liberal scientists. College professors. And we know where they got us.”
While the world’s governments have sent the totality of their military forces to fight the Great Dreamer and his hideous hordes, the United States has yet to mobilize a single unit, with service personnel across the country begging to join the fight.
“Wouldn’t it be nice if we had good relations with Cthulhu?” the President said on Fox and Friends Saturday. “I mean, I know, nobody likes him, he’s a bad guy, so bad, you watch the shows—I don’t, I can’t anymore—but you watch them, and they all say so much about how bad he is, but you know they called a lot of other guys bad guys, and I think we all know how that turned out. The bad guys were right. So maybe they’re not so bad.”
Independent scientists estimate that, without US military involvement, humanity will be entirely extinct within six months.
“It’s fancy Nancy’s fault, and her obstructionist Democronies!” the President continued on Fox and Friends. “We could have had border security! Cthulhu couldn’t get past my wall! Nancy and the Dems are the enemy!”
Representative Nancy Pelosi died on Friday when a legion of starspawn invaded San Francisco and the Vegan Pets event she was attending, leaving no survivors.
“Hillary and Bill prayed to Cthulhu in the 90’s, why does no one talk about that? I have the dirt!” Trump tweeted Friday evening.
Hillary Clinton is among the many missing in New York, while former President Bill Clinton is taking heat for remarks he made earlier in the week on the #PleaseNotMe movement.
“Cthulhu’s cleaning up the country—draining the swamp!” a Sunday morning tweet read. “Congress must pass immigration bill now!”
As of Monday, Cthulhu and his minions have spread from coast to coast across America, and across much of Europe and Africa. In their wake, they have left only moldering ruins and muddy corpses.
House Speaker Paul Ryan reacted on Saturday, saying he was “concerned.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell noted, “It’s mostly just poor people who can’t escape, so we’re fine,” before leaving for a Focus on the Family event honoring Cthulhu.
“Can’t wait to sit with Cthulhu at Elder Summit on Weds,” Trump tweeted Sunday night. “Can already tell we have lots in common! He’s done great things for R’lyeh! #MAGA #IAIA #FHTAGN”